I do like my novelty rock, but I have one requirement for this kind of music: it has to be at least somewhat listenable even without its satirical context. Which is to say, Richard Cheese is actually a decent lounge act on top of being the king of Vegas-style pop parody. And though Schlong’s Punk Side Story kind of sucks on its own, it’s the kind of suck that punk often is, and therefore I like it in spite of – or maybe because of – its suckiness.
Enter …And Christmas for All, The Holiday Tribute to Metallica (Christmas Rock Records, 2007), a yuletide-style orchestral arrangement of Metallica tunes like “Nothing Else Matters” and “Master of Puppets.” I really wanted to like this album. I like Christmas music. I like Metallica. I even liked the other two albums in what seems to be a trilogoy of Metallica-themed novelty rock coming into my life this month (Beatallica and Harptallica). But with the notable exception of an imaginative and uplifting (OK, more accurately, a sort-of interesting) version of “The Unforgiven,” this album falls completely flat in the stands-alone category. In fact, it’s so predictable and boring – the musical equivalent of beige – that even the delight of picking out classic Metallica riffs isn’t enough to make me listen to this more than once. Ever. (And this from the girl who put $900 on her credit card to see a jokey lounge act in Vegas on New Year’s Eve – so no, I’m not being a music snob.)
It really is too bad. If only the label had gone the way of Harptallica's self-recorded album, they would’ve done alright. That compilation, a very simple recording of virtuosic harps players doing – yup, you guessed it – Metallica themes, sounds more authentically, classically Christmasy than …And Christmas and its cheesy, overwrought sleighbell sounds. (By the way, what is that annoying percussion instrument that sounds like beating a box with a wooden spoon that seems to be everywhere in bad mall music? 'Cuz there’s plenty of that here.) Plus, Harptallica doesn’t make me want to vomit on my shoes. (I wonder if that’s the way my friends feel when I make them listen to all the other novelty rock I love? Hmmm…)
So here we have another case of good idea, bad execution. Oh well. At least there are sure to be another 5,000 reinterpretations of “Wherever I May Roam” to choose from in my lifetime. A gypsy-punk accordion version, anyone?
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